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The Email I Probably Shouldn't've Sent To Gaben

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So a few night ago, I was laying in bed and having one of those mental breakdowns you have when you lay in bed and think about everything that has ever happened in your life.

I hate those moments.

And in a burst of spontaneity, I wrote and sent a stupidly personal e-mail to Gabe Newell. I'm not sure if I regret it, as it is certainly how I feel, but I am very embarrassed about it. I like to keep my cards close to my chest. I barely ever outright show my emotions to anyone other than my family, so this was a very unique moment for me. I think it's just because I feel like my life is entirely out of control right now. That there's so many things I want to do but I just see them slip away because this absurd waste of time called College pulls me away.

The stress and anxiety of it cause me to break down mentally and just do nothing. So I fail on both counts, in life and in school.

I know what I should be doing. I always know what I should be doing, but I just don't do it. And the worst thing is, if I go ahead and do what I should be doing, I freeze and just sit and stare, almost like my brain can't function unless it's under the pressure of procrastination. I hate it.

We've recently started planning out a game here at Playstuff, and I am so intensely excited about it. As well as my good, real-life friends and I are going to dedicate the summer to making films. And Goob and I are starting a Kickstarter for our comic book based on the Calmar Universe. All of these things, I just want them to be my life. This is what I want to do.

But no. Right now I need to make a minute and a half animation of a song I love, but have absolutely no idea how to execute it. And I need to make an asinine brand book for a state park that doesn't exist.

I want to live my life doing this with the people that are my friends, the people who share my passions. Not sit around and be told what to do by teachers who have less empathy than the Gestapo.

I just need to get through this week. Wish me luck guys.

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  1. Logan's Avatar
    Good luck dude If I could offer you one piece of advice, it would be to be thankful you already realise what you need to fill your life with to be happy. It takes some people many many years to get to that point.

    I appreciate what your saying about college feeling like a huge waste of time and in many ways you are probably right. Except that getting your degree will provide you with a little piece of paper that will open a few more doors for you. You'll still have to find the doors yourself - but often they require a stoopid key called 'graduate status' to even get through.

    You have one of the most creative minds of anyone i've had the pleasure of being friends with - and that isn't going anywhere. Unfortunately, creative minds aren't just good at coming up with positive ideas - they tend to torture the bearer too I can't offer you any advice here really - I too have an extremely active mind and it's collapsed in on itself several times. All I can say is that we're lucky to be able to entertain ourselves so productively - the opposite seems like a dull life indeed!

    The most important thing to remember is that life is never closed off - opportunities are forever presenting themselves and as long as you don't lose the will to take them, you'll always have a very fulfilling existence. You must ensure you appreciate life for that alone - and i'm sure you will; it gets easier to do as you age
  2. Leminnes's Avatar
    Thanks Logan, means a lot to me.

    I will admit, I certainly feel creative most of the time. Usually what gets in my way is my low technical ability in some regards, such as rendering in drawing and coding. Both of which I'm not particularly good at, and both of which are needed in some part in the process of making good games.

    Hopefully when I get done with school, I can practice both of those things more.

    On a side note: I'd like to say that loans are both the worst and best things ever. They're great in that they open opportunities that would most likely not be open to me otherwise, like going to school, but they are the worst thing in that they narrow your life options IMMENSELY. I have to basically plan the rest of my life around the fact that I'm going to be paying student loans for at least 20-30 years. That's terrifying to me.

    Anyway, yeah, thanks again.


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